Weighing in... I have tried every diet known to man and I've finally figured out the problem. Perhaps my body was not genetically made to be skinny. Sure I used to be a 5'9" stick--but that was in high school before my hormones decided to take a backseat. For the past ten years of my life I have felt guilty for every piece of food I put into my mouth. Why am I so obsessed with my body image? I love food, I admit...but I don't have an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't get depressed and binge for three days...I don't use food as a replacement for a non-existant love life. I have a busy life-style and it's not always easy to eat healthy--hell to be honest I can't afford to eat soy all day everyday...and who has time to make sure that every meal has protein and who has time to count calories and fat grams? I am sick and tired of dieting...

People tell me--eat more fruit and veggies...have you priced produce lately? And my body has very low tolerance for vitamin C so I actually do myself more harm than good by force feeding myself what God created for us to live on.

I used to live on junkfood--chocloate was my friend...but I have curbed that way of life...I don't eat fast food other than the occasional pizza night...I drink fat free milk andeat very little if no red meat...sorry cow lovers but I can't always stomach it. Chicken I adore...there are a million ways to eat chicken and not have to worry about extra fat grams added to your daily limit.

Sugar...maybe I consume too much sugar...it's in my coffee (I drink a lot of coffee), it's on my cerial in the morning...it's in those fat free icecreams (NEVER buy Bryer's Fat Free Praline Crunch-ACK!)and sorbets...I refuse to live a life of flavorless nutrition....I am cranky when I diet...I am only depressed when I am dieting...so this should be telling me something right?

So why am I still obsessed to fit into those Tommy Jeans(OK--so I don't actually own Tommy Jeans but you get the point) that I haven't been able to pull up past my thighs in three years? I think the media has a lot to do with it...those Gap comercials are a killer...I love those Gap stretch pants they keep advertising...but the advertisements are filled with these skinny little bitches and I know that those pants either do not come in my size or if they do that they will fit well in all the wrong places.

I'm not fat...I'm not skinny...I am happy with a size that I was two years ago...I felt confident then...but I lived in the city and I led a more active life...today I spend most of my time at my business...my only free time is spent at home in front of my computer writing or taking care of business....so the only excercise I get is for my fingers as I type endless drivel and my arm as I lift that coffee cup to my mouth every five minutes....

Lately I have had unhealthy thoughts when it comes to my body image--that is what scares me most. I eat a handful of chips or a slice of pizza and I feel sick to my stomach thinking that I have cheated myself in some way...it doesn't matter that I have been working all day and didn't have time for lunch.

Recently I was considering anorexia to be a great form of weightloss if only I could resume eating again once I've lost twenty-five pounds...hell I even tried....I made it about five hours--I just couldn't handle the hunger...

I don't believe that I will ever lose those twenty-five pounds that I think I should lose. I think that the quicker I come to terms with that fact the better off I will be and everyone around me. Si I have a few extra pounds around my middle...so what if I have big thighs and hips...at least my ass is flat (insert laughter here)...

Anyway...today I've had four cups of coffee and a grilled cheese sandwich--the bread is low in carbs and fat...cholesterol free...the cheese isn't cheese at all...it's processed soy slices that actually resembles and tastes like cheese. Yes...I put butter on the bread becasue you can't have a toasted grilled soy sandwich without lightly buttering the bread first. Besides--I have grown acccustomed to eating veggies without butter...unless of course it's corn on the cob...I'm pretty sure it's a crime against nature to eat it without melted butter dripping from your chin...

Well this concludes my rant for the day...please excuse any spelling or gramatical errors...it's just too long to double check...have a good one and don't forget...

Talk slow when you talk pretty...





  ¶ 2:16 p.m.

  Need I say more?

Happy Monday everyone...

  ¶ 1:29 a.m.

  The Love Doctor I am dying...I am trying not to laugh...two elderly women are obtaining love advice from an electronic machine in my store...well I'm glad that I now know that they are not virgins...yes....they are reading aloud and answering...I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it!  ¶ 4:10 p.m.

  Hurricane Juan... It's so hot in the store that I have to keep the doors open...only two problems...we get every creature known to man thinking it's OK to come in...dragonflies, bumblebees, butterflies, house flies, black flies, fruit flies...we even had a mouse scamper in once...and two weeks ago a giant cockroach decided to visit from the Chinese Restaurant down the street.

And today...Hurricane Juan is making himself known...coming in and blowing movies off the shelves...the rain hasn't started...I wish it would...sales would skyrocket...

Kids never cease to amaze me...I have two boys that come in a lot and buy candy and whatnot...today they came in and were thirsty...wanted to know if I had tapwater that I could give them...I offered them free frushies (fake slurpees) and they were so excited...but then one refused to take his for free...and the other promised to come back and pay the dollar he owed for his...and then the other bought popcorn as well...wish all kids were that kind.

Well the sky is getting dark and it's actually too busy in here today for me to play in front of the computer...

Later...   ¶ 2:56 p.m.

  Shout Outs... Before I say adieu...would like to say hey to Susan and the gang at Hangers Westmount in E-Town...I miss you guys and hope to visit next summer...

And to the employees at Red's...Pinky Focker will be calling very soon to reserve lane #8...Super Pimp and Thumper the Humper will be joining me...  ¶ 1:39 a.m.

  A taxing time... Yes...that's right...quarterly taxes due...but it looks as though we will have a substantial refund coming--which just might save our asses next month providing we receive the refund by the 31st. Somehow I doubt it...

Been writing again...a lot in fact...working on "Dream On", the pilot I started about three years ago. I'm also writing a short story called "Second Thirst"...would love to work on "Separate Worlds" but that is a very large undertaking...but in anay case, it feels really good to be writing again...

My mother feels the need to set me up on dates all of a sudden...like I don't have enough trouble in my life; she wants to add more?

Business is improving but I seriously cannot wait until the busy season hits...until then it will probably be rough...well I guess it's been rough since we opened...but we'll get through it this I know, for my email psychic tells me so...and for only $9.95! LMAO!

New fall season of TV started...it is possible that "er" has killed off Dr. Kovac! Will there be no end to the grief that show has caused me?

Anyway...have to work in the morning...the sun rises much too early...hope all is well in the pixel world...  ¶ 1:30 a.m.

  Oh yeah... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!  ¶ 12:56 a.m.

  So close yet so far... Worked aaaaaaall day...open to close...so tired I'm sick...watched a movie after work to wind down. "Local Boys"...pretty good...made me cry but that doesn't take much when I'm this tired...

Had a record sales for a Thursday...sales still suck but it's the slow season afterall...getting the famed popcorn machine tomorrow...finance company turned us down but the wonderful guys at ESFI are going to help us out...very nice guys...

Finally got in touch with Paul's guy from Fredericton...looks like we're going to be selling PV movies on consignment...doesn't cost us anything...they do all the work...all we have to do is sell them so we have nothing to lose...have to remind myself to call him the first of the week and let him know it's a go ahead...managed top get a couple of floor racks from a guy who has a place past Nauwigewauk...he has tons of stuff so if we ever need anything we know where to go...

Starting writing a story for the kids...probably have it done for Christmas...it's called "Princess of Evans"...I hope to do a few illustrations for it also...

Well too tired...must go to bed...

  ¶ 12:55 a.m.